How to Use BDSM to Improve your Sex Life
(with a lot of input from a BDSM expert, Captain Nemo)
Today, I’m going to talk about how to use BDSM, toys and other roleplay lingerie to improve your sex life and express your sexuality with it. Also, I’ll show you one of my interactions post-sex, and the different dynamic that was set as a result of a “Play session.”
First, what is BDSM? Urban Dictionary defines it as “An overlapping abbreviation of Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), Sadism and Masochism (SM).”
BDSM comes in various expressions. There are definitely do’s and don’t in various forms of play. If you learnt “how to bdsm” from 50 Shades Of Grey, you are definitely following the wrong example. Most people hard core in the BDSM community will tell you that is the worst example of BDSM. I’ll show the correct principles to make it a fun experience for both you and your partner.
In the version of BDSM I’m going to advocate for, you take control and the woman gives it to you. It’s also not as simple as I’ve described. You have to learn how to be dominant first in your day to day life and not be judgmental of what she truly is at her core.
Why BDSM improves your sex life
Most women love giving control to the right kind of dominant man in the bedroom. If you’ve ever read the Book “My Secret Garden” (Highly recommended), you can deduce that a lot of women are quite freaky. The book is entirely based upon real fantasies women have written down and sent to the author anonymously
It’s very explicit and all these fantasies were written by real women. One fantasy I remember off the top of my head is a woman fantasies about being in a bent over position over a table and blind folded while her hands are restricted and a long line of men enter the room one after another and she gets fucked and he leaves the room. She has never met these men, nor is she allowed to know what they look like
It’s a fantasy but women can be their freakiest, most erotic if you allow them to be. They want to fantasize about a man fulfilling them. BDSM is a great way to express your own sexuality and create a safe space for her to do the same. You can create excitement, eagerness and mystery of what’s going to happen next when she sees you again
Women always hope to think back at the experience while they’re driving home from work. When you leave an impression like that, you’ve basically mentally, spiritually AND physically stimulated her.
Mentally stimulating her through physically stimulating her is quite powerful and can be the basis of some fuck buddy relations you can form. Why? Since you’re the only guy she can trust and is familiar with, she can come to you to explore more of her erotic side and have her fantasies fulfilled. Countless women have told me that their previous exes were quite vanilla or they never felt comfortable enough about opening up with them. And why is that? Men are responsible to bring the freaky dirty side of a woman and you ensure that you lead the experience by being dirty and freaky (or giving her permission to be so by being non-judgmental about it) yourself
If you guys are uncomfortable about eating pussy, don’t worry, you can always use vibrators. I’ve personally heard it from a lot of women that men hate it when women take their vibrators out. So, if you have your own set of them, women will keep coming back to you since they’re comfortable around the fact that you won’t lose your pride if she takes one out or asks you to use yours on them.
Next time you have a fuck date, or sleep with a girl, post sex have some questions prepared
Ask her what her biggest fantasies are. Ask her how her past relationships have been and how they were different with her casual relations. What toys has she always wanted to try? What does she know about BDSM. All of these are great ways of getting insight into a girl’s psychology
5 Core Elements to BDSM
Sold on adding BDSM to your sex repertoire yet? Good! There are five major elements that I find essential to having successful BDSM-oriented sex with a girl.
- Consent: For using toys on your woman, the first and foremost factor to keep in mind is CONSENT. A lot of women want to be dominated and want to be just taken. You don’t have to go full out aggressive with someone on your first trial but building trust is extremely important for CONSENT.
- Safety: Having safe words is another great way to have an out for the girl so she knows she’s in safe hands and she can say NO at any time using the safe word. Communicate all this before you have a play session is very important.
- Listen: You need to listen to her body, observe the way she moves and the way she moans. Women moan the loudest and carefree when they are turned on and relaxed. If she’s uncomfortable, she gets turned off and her pussy dries up. And even after that, if you jackhammer her, you’re going to get nowhere.
- Connection: By adding BDSM to your sex game, you create a safe space for women to want to explore their deepest desires. On my dates, I directly ask them if they’ve ever been tied up, and if they’ve been handcuffed or wanted to be. Women may give you a bit of shit when you ask such questions but they want you to stand by that so she can trust you.
- After care: This is an extremely important element of a play session even though this comes post play-sessions. Women need to know that you don’t have a one dimensional side to you about being a dominant beast but can also show your softer side so she feels safe and well taken care of. This is where a lot of trust is built since she feels closer and relatable to you mentally. Cuddles, giving her a massage and lots of kisses and just joking around can be good tools for after care
Sex Toys with BDSM
Which brings me to my next point, there are a handful of toys I consistently use for my BDSM experience. I’ll describe step-by-step of what I did as part of a Dom session with a girl who was very excited to try this out.
Keep in mind, all these were actually suggested by women themselves when I asked them about their fantasies and what they’ve always been curious about trying out. I didn’t just make these toys up :). Also, as a side note, these are mere beginner/starter toys and if you dive deeper into BDSM yourself, you’ll come across cages, other scary equipment
1) Handcuffs: Great tool to restrict the girl’s hands and just another way of taking control of her body. The best is to have her lay on her face into the bed and her hands restrained to the back while you grip her hips and stay close to do the deed while her booty is arched up. Works especially great with big booty girls. I even grab the handcuffs and grab her hands and get her to sit upright while I grip and pull her hair.
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=handcuffs&ref=nb_sb_noss_1
I personally own the fuzzy ones since the steel ones really hurt the wrists of girls, and I personally don’t enjoy inflicting pain like that.
2) Bed restraints:
The best thing about these bed restraints is that the length of the limbs is adjustable and would fit women of all sizes. I personally blindfold the girl with an eye mask and kiss her all over body, including her nipples, sensitive and erotic areas, tease around the pussy for a very long time before I even put my mouth anywhere near it. She has no option but to just lay there and accept the tease since she’s restrained.
3) Paddle, Canes, whips and anything in between: This is specifically for spanking a girl. Spanking can range from bare handed spanking to “thuddy” toys like paddles or “stingy” toys like canes. (Yes. That’s quite possible since I’ve met women who could go on hours and hours with just spanking). I own the paddle that says “slut” written on it. Make sure to go slow at first and gradually increase the speed depending on if she’s making a “moan” noise or an “I’m in pain” noise.
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=slut+paddle&ref=nb_sb_noss_2
4) Vibrators: For toys, take explicit consent. This is extremely helpful to making girls cum. I own a rabbit and a womanizer duo myself. The key is to not just shove these into her but touch all over her legs, inner thighs, and then in & around the pussy. This gets girls quite wet even before you’re going in.
Rabbit:
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=rabbit+sex+toy
Womanizer duo: https://www.ellaparadis.com/clitoral-stimulator-duo.html
The advantage of using a womanizer duo (or similar) toy over a vibrator is the girl’s clitoris doesn’t get sensitive since the womanizer duo has a suction mechanism for clit stimulation rather than the direct contact of a rabbit or a vibrator. So, she can keep cumming with the womanizer duo. If you’re not sure about where to apply the clit portion of the toy, take the girls hand and get her to put it on her but take her hand off and then you continue with the same spot
5) Ropes: I personally don’t own these since I’m not an expert at tying knots, plus there’s more of a chance of her getting a splinter. But, feel free to look into these and do your research before using them.
Here’s a link to Shibari if you want to try it out for yourself with a partner with her consent: (https://www.autostraddle.com/shibari-101-japanese-rope-bondage-350309/)
6) Sexy lingerie: I love doing this a lot. This is not categorized as BDSM but it spices things up. I love it when a girl dresses up in skimpy clothes. Women also love playing dress up for the man they like. I’ve personally done this with at least a dozen girls (sometimes the first time I met them). I own a school girl lingerie I tell girls to dress up once I keep seeing them:
https://www.yandy.com/Miss-Prep-School.php
Now that we’ve covered the key elements of BDSM and toys you want to use, let me break down a real dom session for you.
Play Session Breakdown
The play session I’m going to go through step by step, I used all of the above toys (except for ropes).
THE DATE:
I met this girl on a dating app. We met at the bar for drinks. She had explicitly mentioned that she was “kink friendly”. So, I was prepared to have it go down on Day 1. I literally grabbed a 20 minute drink with her and continued to chat about her fantasies, experience with BDSM. She was into everything we talked about.
After 20 minutes, I just led her that we should go back to mine for some wine. She agreed. But, little did she know that I’d have all my toys out in the open on my nightstand (I recommend you do that too when you have fuck dates). She was surprised (pleasantly) to see them.
The Session:
I even had the school girl lingerie ready to go for her. I grin at her when she goes “Wow. *giggles*” and I tell her to go change into the school girl outfit. 5 minutes later, she was looking extremely hot in one.
I go up to her, grab her by her waist, bring her close to me and start kissing passionately while groping her big booty and spank her. I tell her to bend over on the bed with her ass up. I pull her wrists together and handcuff her after. I take the paddle out and rub it against her booty.
“Are you going to be a good girl for daddy?”
“Yes daddy”
“Say it”
“I’ll be a good girl for you daddy”
“If not…”, I spank her hard with the paddle. She moans and enjoys the pain. I take the womanizer duo out and start teasing her
“You want daddy to shove this in you?”
“Yes daddy”
“How will you earn it”
“I’ll do anything daddy asks”
While she lays there, I go to her face and shove my dick inside her mouth. But when I do that, I tell her, “You aren’t allowed to suck on it yet. Nor can you get your mouth fucked by it”
She agrees, but can’t really do anything else anyway.
I continue this with just shoving my dick inside her but not fuck her. I’d tell her to beg me to fuck her. But I wouldn’t. I encourage good behavior, but punish bad behavior.
“I’m going to reward you with 3 strokes and then you’re going to thank me after”
“Yes daddy. Please fuck me”
I continue this for a while till she goes crazy (even used the bed restraints on her so she could not move) and just wants me to take her the way I want. After an hour of powerplay and her giving complete control to me, she told me she had the best experience of her life.
I proceeded to see her one more time. These are the screenshots in between the next meet:
As you can see, I’m extremely explicit with her because the dynamic has been set and we only speak sexually. I describe how I had a great time with her and I had her CONSENT and trust
Always keep in mind that you’re doing this from a place of passion, care and wanting the woman to have an amazing experience she can probably only have with you and can rarely get another experience like that with her utmost consent
Another thing to notice is that I always refer to myself as “Daddy” in third person. Women love it since it shows that you have a hidden persona that only comes out in the bedroom. “My dirty slut” is the feeling of being owned by you. Be sure to not get possessive/aggressive outside the bedroom. Show her respect and care and then devour her in the bedroom with a lot of after care post sessions
Hope that gives you a bit of insight into what most women enjoy in bed
Warmest regards,
Indian “slut paddle” PE.
